Monday, June 21, 2004

Dubya's Resume

(via email, author unkown)

GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20520

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

Law Enforcement:


I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.

Military:

I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use.
By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

College:

I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975.
I bought an oil company, but I couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.
With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS

I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.

I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.

With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.

I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.

I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.

I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market. In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.

I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.

I am the all-time U.S and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.

My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.

My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the US. Supreme Court during my election decision.

I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip- offs in history.

I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.

I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.

I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.

I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in U.S. history.

I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.

I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.

I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.

I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.

I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.

I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).

I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.

I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period.

After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.

I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.

I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.

I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation.

I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.

I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families -- in wartime.

In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.

I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.

I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.

I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden [sic] to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.

All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.

7 comments:

joshwaxman said...

do you really endorse this?

1) regarding "I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security."

see: http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=337379

they basically could not substantiate this.

2) further, over half of Europeans consider Israel the biggest threat to world peace, according to a poll by the European Commission:

http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=35383

Would you similarly blame Israel for this European attitude?

Just wondering...

joshwaxman said...

do you endorse this spoof resume?

1) regarding "I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security."

see:
http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=337379
where they cannot substantiate this number.

2) Would you similarly blame Israel because of the European Commission's poll that the majority (59%) of Europeans felt Israel was the greatest threat to world peace?

http://www.dw-world.de/english/0,3367,1430_A_1022127_1_A,00.html

Just wondering...

Anonymous said...

do you endorse this spoof resume?

1) regarding "I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security."

see:
http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=337379
where they cannot substantiate this number.

2) Would you similarly blame Israel because of the European Commission's poll that the majority (59%) of Europeans felt Israel was the greatest threat to world peace?

http://www.dw-world.de/english/0,3367,1430_A_1022127_1_A,00.html

Just wondering...

Anonymous said...

test

Anonymous said...

It is a great response to that (also exaggerated)
email that flew around called "thank you mr clinton" which listen all the "terrible things" clinton did liek "thank you for teaching my son about oral sex..." yadda yadda...
Actually it was kenneth starr butthat is a different story.

joshwaxman said...

also,

"I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD."

Are you against developing a tactical bunker buster? is kerry? that would be a good reason for me not to vote for him.

are you really against the US creating and possessing nuclear weapons? By calling it a WMD, the author of the piece is trying to equate it with the efforts of the US to make sure WMDs were not in Sadaam's hands. Do you agree with this? Do you think the US should disarm and eliminate all of its nuclear weapons? Do you think Kerry agrees to this?

Anonymous said...

In Bush's first year in office, 9/11 occured. I'd say that explains the huge stock plummet, along with the fact that the president inherited a recession. Then there's United Nothing. Yep thats basically all they do. When Syria is on the Security Council, you basically can't take anything they say seriously. Putin sent Bush intelligence information that Iraq was planning an attack on the U.S. So you can't blame Bush for attacking Iraq first. The polls leading up to the war showed that most Americans were in favor of the war. 98-1 it passed in the Senate. Basically the only ones against the war at the time were France, Germany and Russia who were making fortunes off Iraq.